I always feel awkward when I am invited to dinner by a couple. This feeling of only being a half is more pronounced. But I am outgoing and I accept. The conversation can be one sided at times, or strained. After a while I give lame excuses not to accept.
It is not the lack of trying to find a partner, but… age is a factor. For a long time my partner was older and had an obligation to his family. The family did not want a new step-mama, they were in their 30s. To keep peace I chose it to let it stay stagnant. When he moved on to another dimension, I stopped looking all together.
So, here I am waking up to the reality that in my golden age there is only going to be me! But, I’m still venturing on….
I woke up today with the idea I can be happy!
Then I start to listen to conversations, and phone calls and I wonder if I am in the Twilight Zone!
I start to think positive thoughts! It is not helping! My friend or I think she is my friend is in spych ward and calls me screaming and yelling she can’t take it anymore and starts dumping all her anger and furstration and her helplessness. After two hour of this onesided conversation ” got to go lunch is here!”.
My old friend or should I say ancient friend from scross the way walked over to tell me all about her abuse from her kids. Apperantly if her son went away for his birthday with his first family for the weekend is not a great thing in her book. Then he decides to celebrate with his current family (second devorce) on Tuesday over his mother’s house made her unhappy. When she heard he’s celebrating with his girlfriend on Thursday (today) she got all upset, hence me! She told me she needed someone to vent! She has everything, her children, grandchildren, greatgrandchildren, her home except her mind.
She doen’t remember happiness.
Than it leaves me. How can I be happy with all this turmoil around me?
I cannot to close the world out I need tbe connection.
For today I will strive to be happy!
Image courtesy of La Promeneuse Mèlancolique@Barbisa1922
If you are approaching 50 or just past it you are as confused as when you were 16. Yes, it is true, at 16 you were just learning to bloom, at 50 you are realizing you starting to wither. I do not think so, I just do not feel withered. But, you have some cruel people out there who make it a point to remind you of it everytime you celebrate a new birthday!
When you were 16 you were a caterpillar. A caterpillar is vastly different from a butterfly. A caterpillar spends its days crawling from leaf to leaf, chewing on whatever delicacies it can find. The butterfly sees those same leaves from above, where it soars with the breezes, stopping occasionally to sip nectar from the flowers. And yet, these two very different creatures are the same, in different phases of their lives.
At 16 you are vibrant, joyfull and innocent open to the world, you absorb it like a sponge. At 50, the weather isn’t as perfect as you hoped it would be. The music they are playing on the radio today is dull. The food you ordered yesterday at lunch was poorly cooked. Maybe it’s in your nature to complain or be negative. Maybe some of them or even all of them are legitimate. To dwell on it is a huge mistake, for one thing, doing so oppresses you keeping you in a bad mood.
I remember watching a movie ” Calender Girls” the characters were a range of 30’s to 50’s something. When I introduced the subject at work one of the 30’s something said ” but that’s old ladies’ movie!” I guess at 50 I was an old lady. Her friends are all younger than 25. I guess if she’ll look in the mirror one of these days she’ll realize she’s up there too.
Finding a pot of gold in the silver lining is to rave about all the good things that have happened and the blessings I have encountered. Age is just a number, and you only start counting when the ones who envy you make you feel old. That co-worker stayed young by hanging-out with young ones and missing her own journey. I have walked the journey and I am still creating paths, each of those paths refers to a phase and the beautiful memories I create in those stages, it adds to my metamorphisis.
image curtecy of @msb_pictures
~I am not young enough to know everything~Oscar Wilde